Freedom is self love
by Cassie Connor April 6, 2025
Here’s where our story today begins. .
In 2018, I was volunteering with the Ottawa Coalition to End Human Trafficking, and we were hosting an event called “Hope & Healing”. Part of the event was an art auction, where survivors were selling their art. This piece really spoke to me, and has been centred in my home, and now the centrepiece of my altar, ever since (I chose to omit the name of the artist because I am not sure if she is open about her experiences or not).
On the back, there is a card that states that this work was made by a survivor sexually exploited in Ottawa in her teens. There is a quote from the artist that says:
“When I could hold my own hand without shame, I can experience self-love”.
The message is so powerful, is such a powerful reminder to any of us who have experienced relational trauma and abuse. Which is, frankly, many of us.
Central to our human experience is the longing to belong. We don’t just want to belong, we need to belong, and our physiology is wired this way because it is how humans have survived, and still do. In our early years in particular, we need to belong to our caregivers because we literally depend on them for our survival. Even as we grow, this longing to belong is so strong because we have not been able to live independently, and our ancestors relied on their immediate community for essentials such as food. Although our lifestyles have changed, we still do depend on others.
If it’s not safe to be ourselves in a toxic relationship, we may find ourselves abandoning our own needs in order to manage the other person. It’s understandable why this happens: especially when we have lived outside the experience of belonging, we can become desperate for this essential connection. We might stay in relationships that hurt us, because we can’t bear to be alone.
Abusers (and traffickers) know this, and exploit this essential need for love, care and attention. It’s like part of the reason that it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Most emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually or financially abusive relationships have their good moments. The good moments may even feel especially potent because they are significantly better than the low moments, and we may feel extreme relief or even hope that things can change. We often depend on the person hurting us for care in various forms at the same time, so of course we try to earn that care in any ways we can, even when diminishing ourselves and our needs is the price we pay.
The Fawn Response
The fawn response is our nervous system’s attempt to seek safety (including emotional safety) by appeasing the person posing a threat. It is typically an unconscious choice, meaning we do not intentionally choose it. Our bodies choose it for us, because they determine that it is the best way to keep us safe. It is a survival strategy that seeks to pacify the person’s responses. If we can think of this response on a spectrum, we can see that it can emerge in situations as dire as violence or kidnapping, and as supposedly minor as a conflict with our boss at work. Our body may register both as threats, and respond accordingly.
In fact, this response has been proposed to replace the well known “Stockholm Syndrome” in order to recognize the utility of this adaptive response. If you are a woman, 2SLGBTQIA+ person, or marginalized in any way, you may find this behaviour to be deeply patterned (aka hard to change) — because it probably has been important to your survival and may continue to be.
By becoming aware of this response, you can gradually expand your choices. You may learn how to use the fawn response deliberately to keep you safe, and notice where you are fawning only because it’s a pattern, and not because it is needed.
Are there relationships in which you are truly safe, where you are loved and accepted as your authentic self? Are there relationships in which you can put this survival response down, and truly be at peace?
Even if we consciously know that we don’t need this response in a given situation, your body may need some extra time to trust that this is true. Fair enough, right? Our bodies are not just going to *disregard* information deemed important for our survival. For most of us, this is a long journey that requires tremendous support and self-compassion.
Freedom is Self Love
While co-regulation, community and belonging are essential human needs, love, care and connection are things that we can learn to offer ourselves, too. For many of us, this is our gateway to freedom. This helps us to make clearer choices about the relationships we are in, whether they are abusive or not. We choose relationships that genuinely build us up, rather than tear us down.
This is why this art work “Freedom is Self Love” has become an anchor of my practice, something I sit in front of every day to remember to ask this question:
if I have to abandon my needs, values, and self-worth in order to receive love, is it really love?
You know how we tend to roll our eyes when we hear over-used words like self-love? For me, it’s because it’s usually minimizing the problem at hand. Listen — I know that it’s not always that simple. There are a lot of reasons it’s usually more complicated than ~*self love*~, so I will list some additional resources below.
What is Self Love?
For me, self love is about regularly tending to my own needs. It’s about responding to the needs that my body, mind, and spirit have (it took me quite a while to figure out what those even are, to be honest).
Here’s where we start: It can be as basic as eating when we are hungry. Moving when we are feeling sludgy. Sleeping when we are tired.
Eventually, we begin to take stock of what diminishes us, and reevaluate how much energy we dedicate to these areas of our lives whenever possible. This is where it gets hard because… there is pushback, there are real constraints that exist in these areas. For example, we may have a toxic job, but the fact is that we need to pay rent.
Luckily, perfection is not required. We reclaim and nurture all the parts of ourselves that we can in any given moment, and forgive ourselves constantly for what we can’t. There are real reasons why this could be hard, or even feel impossible (hint: it’s not just that you’re “bad” at it). If that’s true, we could probably benefit from therapy to work through these challenges.
In what ways can you reach for love, care, beauty, rest, joy and healing with the time, energy, and resources already available to you?
A gentle reminder:
It’s important to emphasize that so much can be beyond our control at times. Don’t let “self-love” become another thing you are supposedly “bad” at, or getting “wrong”. None of this is easy, or simple. Please be gentle with yourself, whatever stage you are at.
The Thing Is
By Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you down like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
[RESOURCES]
Here is a list of family violence resources in Canada
Here is a playlist I made called “Upward Spiral” designed to be the soundtrack to your healing journey
I offer holistic therapy for trauma recovery, weaving yoga therapy and psychotherapy to support your body, energy, heart-mind, intuition and spirit in the healing process. You can email me at cassie@shinementalhealth.co to book a freeconsult.