Family is something that you can create
By Cassie Connor | Jun 29, 2025
Get out the tissues, loves… our topic this week is the family we choose, or our chosen families.
Family can be such a tender topic for so many of us. Most of us have experienced some kind of loss, trauma, wounding or disconnection in our families of origin. This, paired with a biological drive to stay close to our families — a strong desire to belong within them. And, cultural messaging that tells us “family first”. It can be a lot of pressure.
For some of us, we need to separate ourselves entirely from our original families, or they have separated from us. Some of us have no need at all to create distance. And most of us lie somewhere in-between, in the messy middle full of shades of grey.
If our family dynamics are painful, they can trigger intense emotional and survival responses. Guilt, shame, anger, fear, fight or flight reactions, shut down, and people pleasing are commonly in the room.
On brain development
It is a bit of a therapist trope to say “tell me about your childhood”, I know, but there is good reason for us to revisit our youth. Our brains are in active development from before birth, all the way until around age 25. Our relational patterns and beliefs about the world, and our selves, often develop in our childhood years. Much of this is unconscious, meaning we aren’t aware of it or thinking about it. Yet it can be a major motivator of our behaviours and beliefs way into adulthood.
At some point, many of us benefit from taking stock, often in therapy, to see what we really want to bring with us, and what is limiting us and our relationships. Luckily, our brains can change and learn new ideas, and when we practice these over time we can truly change the trajectory of our lives. This is how we exercise our choice and agency. How it started doesn’t have to be how it ends.
We can love our families wholeheartedly, we can even forgive them wholeheartedly, and take notice of how our family dynamics impact us, and respond accordingly (and often, imperfectly). It’s complex and deeply emotional work, and we each need to decide for ourselves what our course of action will be. There is no one-size-all approach to navigating these waters.
The pain of not belonging
I have heard the term “primal panic” used to describe the intense feelings we experience when we do not belong within a group of some kind. I’ve experienced it myself and seen it in my clients, and the term primal panic seems to adequately describe the intense distress of non-belonging.
It’s primal because our biology is wired for connection. Humans have evolved and succeeded in surviving by living in groups, so our bodies know it is dangerous for us to go it alone. In the modern world, we may be able to materially provide for ourselves solo in ways our ancestors couldn’t, yet typically it doesn’t feel right in the long term. We need each other.
Chosen family
For all of us living somewhere on the spectrum from staying close with our families to going no-contact, chosen family is a respite available to all of us.
To me, chosen family is the micro-version of community. It is the close relationships in which I am truly safe, seen, and supported. It entails relationships that are reciprocal, nourishing and loving. It is respite from feelings of loneliness, masking, and feeling misunderstood. It is the foundation from which I feel free to express myself, create, take risks, experience joy and rest.
Finding your chosen family
If chosen family is something we want or need, but don’t have — please, be so gentle with yourself, and know that you deserve to choose and be chosen. We all do.
What if we prioritized building and nurturing our chosen families as much as our families of origin, or other essential needs like housing or employment/financial support? Sometimes it takes a while to find the right set up, yet it is a need worthy of our time, effort, and energy.
If chosen family is the micro version of community, I’d say we start with community. Go wide and explore:
What communities do you resonate most with?
Which communities do you long to be a part of?
What groups do you feel most safe, and most able to be yourself around?
What types of gatherings do you want to have, and how can you create them?
How do you want to show up for others, and how do you want others to show up for you?
One of my favourite comedians Josh Johnson (highly recommend for coping with the current doomsday feelings going on) recently declared “your future is your neighbour”. It is not an overstatement. As the safety nets around us continue to narrow, community really is our lifeline.
How can we care for each other and be cared for? Can we return to communal reciprocity? I think so.