The Pain of Not Being Believed

by Cassie Connor May 4th, 2025

A terrible thing happens. It can be an assault, an abuse. It can be an illness, or a loss. The people around us find out: maybe we told them ourselves, maybe we didn’t. Maybe we worked up the courage to do something about it — to seek help, to seek justice, only to be dismissed, blamed or not believed. Sometimes, all three. The suffering we experience in the aftermath of the terrible thing goes untended and uncared for. And so, we go through it alone. And for many of us, this is the worst part.

Often, we can accept that terrible things happen to people, and sometimes those people are us. But nobody prepares us for the betrayal that we feel when our pain is ignored or minimized. As humans, we are social creatures. We need each other. We rely on our pack for care and protection. It’s a biological expectation, embedded in our bones. We arrive here expecting the village.

A close-up of two otters hugging, with the words 'I BELIEVE YOU' in pink text overlaying the image.

The support we receive in the wake of the terrible thing can influence the impact it has on our psyche, our nervous systems, and our bodies, including whether or not we develop PTSD. It’s one thing to experience a one-off tragedy, something out of the norm. We may be able to accept that generally, we are safe and protected, and this was a fluke.

It’s a different experience when we realize that the terrible thing was acceptable to others, sometimes to our closest people — people we trust. This damages our trust in others, in the world, and amplifies our loneliness. There are many reasons others could be unable or unwilling to hold our pain with us, some of which are shame, lack of capacity, ignorance, or benefitting from our pain.

None of these are your fault. You are worthy of care. You are.

Our bodies hold the pain

The term post traumatic stress disorder, assumes the trauma is “post”. The term is inadequate, because many of us live feeling unsafe and unprotected regularly. Anyone living with the impacts of racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and classism will likely spend more time in defensive states (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, collapse). When marginalized identities intersect, the danger and subsequent impacts are amplified, such as for murdered and missing Indigenous women, girls and 2 spirit people

There is an impact on our bodies when they stay in perpetual states of stress, fear, terror, rage, and hyper vigilance. There is a tremendous cost. These states are reserved for our survival functions. They pull out all the stops, empty all of our energy reserves. They deprioritize digestion, immune function, and capacity for connection because our body is prioritizing a more imminent threat. 

We are made to protect ourselves in these ways, but we are not made to stay there all the time. 

This is why we cannot talk about trauma as a mental health problem only. It is a societal problem, is it a somatic (body) problem, it is a spiritual problem. Our hearts, minds, bodies, nervous systems, souls and communities all need healing.

A background of green water with ripples and light reflections. Overlaid on the water is pink handwritten text that says, "Thank you body, you can rest now." Surrounding the text are small hand-drawn hearts with yellow outlines.

Reprieve is the medicine we give to ourselves. 

  • Who do you feel truly safe, secure and cared for by? If we don’t have this in our personal lives, this can be a trusted mental health professional.

  • What helps you to feel able to slow down and rest? If slowing down *in life* is unavailable, are there pockets of rest/reprieve that are possible?

  • Is there anything/anyone in your life keeping you in a state of defence that you are able and ready to let go of? Sometimes we are aware long before we are able or ready, and that’s okay. 

We can practice states of rest, safety, joy, care, and connection. If these are unusual or currently unavailable patterns for you, please reach out for support, be gentle with yourself and continue step by step. As Tricia Hersey says, rest is your birthright

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“Tears are a river that take you somewhere. Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better.

There are oceans of tears women have never cried, for they have been trained to carry mother’s and father’s secrets, men’s secrets, society’s secrets, and their own secrets, to the grave. A woman’s crying has been considered quite dangerous, for it loosens the locks and bolts on the secrets she bears. 

But in truth, for the sake of a woman’s wild soul, it is better to cry. For women, tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of women of all colours, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud, still stand proud.”

— Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés in Women Who Run With The Wolves

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Take good care 💛